Once, when I was still a cub, not more than four months old, my father took me to the edge of our pride’s territory, marked by his rank, generously administered urine, and said, “One day, son, you will be King of the Jungle.”
Even then, in my impressionable infancy, I could sense that my father was not well.
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This picture got drawed by Wake Hettich.
is TONIGHT at the upper east side garden at 9 pm. Join PBS’ Captain SpeedLehrer for a poorly moderated debate between possibly imaginary participants with no aspirations of any sort of public office.
But, there’s free alcohol, and it only costs $5 for as much of it as you want! Also i think there is mini golf?
Before I get started, I’d like to introduce this post with a disclaimer that I don’t know my urethra from my rectum when it comes to international markets and monetary funds. But while I don’t know all the details, I am able to compensate with agile maneuvers and cunning logic. Plus I like to read science fiction and watch anime.
There are a few facts to be considered at the moment:
The government wants $700 billion to give to the corporations that are the most losingest of the most monies. There is something wrong with this picture. Some dumb motherfuckers at some dumb corporations made some dumb mistakes and now the American public is supposed to pay for it. Come on. You know that these companies were trying to pull an Enron: pump up and pump up the market then hopefully get out before it all comes crashing down. They were investing in artificial properties. Basically, Morgan Stanley and Lehman Brothers gave people a bunch of bad sub-prime (read: bad deal for normal people) mortgages that weren’t able to be paid back and they were trading insurance on invested money, which is a bizarre and completely invented virtual commodity.
This situation was made possible by the gradual deregulation of the financial markets.
Now the government is saying they want $700 Billion to give to these companies. This is the same government that says that we can’t have universal health care or free public transportation because it would cost too much. But now that their friends are in trouble (Henry Paulson, Tresury Secretary of the gov’t, is the former CEO and Chairmen of Goldman Sachs, another huge-ass bank) they suddenly happened to find seven hundred billion dollars sitting around somewhere. They won’t be re-regulating the markets or helping actual people with their mortgages, so it’s a band-aid that will just fall off again soon!
Suppose for some reason, giving these corporations tons and tons and TONS of money rescues the economy or something and stops the backslide into a major depression, with that kind of money being pumped into the market artificially, it’ll just devalue the US Dollar even further, making it even more expensive to buy foreign beer at the bar, leaving me with less money to pay my rent (neglecting to solve statement 5).
Last century, after the the stock market crash of ‘29, President Roosevelt instantiated the New Deal, which put lots of people to work improving the infrastructure of the country, and you know what? It worked to bring the economy back to a functional state. You know why this worked? Because it gave work to lots of people. What it didn’t do was give a few big companies lots of money to spend on whatever they want.
When I watch anime or read science fiction novels, I get bummed out because the people in the future have all these awesome cities that fly through space and they have giant robots that do their bidding, and they even solved physics problems allowing tiny Japanese girls to have absolutely massive bosoms and still maintain their vertical balance.
Instead of giving major failed corporations that made poor investments a break that won’t solve anything, I propose the DAI-FUTURA MEGA NEO DEAL!!!!!! (DFMND!!!!!!). The DFMND!!!!!! would invest all kinds of money and effort into building the infrastructure of the US of tomorrow! The DFMND!!!!!! would allocate funds to construct super high-speed national railways that float on thin air (not magnets)! The DFMND!!!!!! would start building tubes for us to jet across town in our business suits, build giant underground reactors to power giant aboveground robots that would carry us to the moon and back for their own recreation. The DFMND!!!!!! would make flying motorcycles (fuck flying cars) a reality, give us all personal virtual reality chambers, and even breed genetically modified super cows that you could keep making burgers from but would never die!
The DFMND!!!!!! would do all this with the purpose of stimulating the economy. Unlike the big bailout currently being crammed down our gullivers, this would actually work to put money into the system and improve people’s lives. Guaranteed.
Or we could just freeze all foreclosures for year. Both solutions would work to save people and the economy, but one gives us giant robots. Your pick.
