Shot in the stomach, I dialed 911. The pain was incredible. There was a spectacular amount of blood.
The 911 dispatcher put me on hold, and there was Muzak. I didn’t know that 911 could put you on hold, but they did. The Muzak was a smooth jazz version of “Rock and Roll All Nite” by KISS. There was a fretless bass, a guitar playing the melody in octaves, and a clarinet.
I tried to make a tourniquet with my shirt, but it didn’t work very well.
At first I thought that “Rock and Roll All Nite” was a poor choice for Muzak. But then I realized that it was actually pure genius. In its original form, it is a party anthem, a crowd pleaser. But in Muzak form, it is an existential meditation on dissatisfaction and yearning. The musicians want to rock and roll all night, they want to party every day, but they can’t. They have to play smooth jazz. The guitarist wants to set fire to his guitar and wear garish make-up and have sex with groupies, but he can’t. He has to make do with melodies in octaves and Lydian chords.
It was the saddest song I have ever heard.
Despite the tourniquet the blood kept flowing, and I felt very faint. I thought about hanging up and trying 911 again, but I was curious to hear how the song would end, and so I waited. There was a clarinet solo. I hoped that it wouldn’t be very long.
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